I’m no Nostradamus, but I am about to make a bold prediction: Within a matter of days this country will witness a take-it-to-the-streets rebellion and massive, frenzied uprising like we have never seen.
Be warned: These riotous insurrections will occur instantly, without notice, and will quickly spread across every town and community in this country. I predict that the National Guard will have to be called out in all 50 states, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam, to try and restrain the nation’s frenzied citizens. The Southern states, namely Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, and Georgia will be hit the hardest as this event will make the current riots in Iran look like an afternoon on the playground.
How can I be so sure of this impending crisis? Today I read a news article in the Cleveland Leader with the headline: “Chubby People Live Longer than Skinny People.” Hallelujah, amen, and pass the cinnamon rolls! Let the gluttony begin.
The Cleveland Leader stated, “People who are a little overweight at age 40 live six to seven years longer than very thin people, whose average life expectancy was shorter by some five years than that of obese people, the study found,”
“We found skinny people run the highest risk," said Shinichi Kuriyama, an associate professor at Tohoku University's Graduate School of Medicine who worked on the long-term study of middle-aged and elderly people. Ha! I knew it. The skinny people are going first.
I don’t know who this Kuriyama fellow is, but he’s obviously brilliant. He has become an instant deity in my book, a sage, a learned prophet, and a man whose true genius will be honored by fat people like me for years to come. All hail Kuriyama!
Again, be warned: As soon as people read this news story, panic is sure to engulf the continent, a culinary red alert will take the threat level to orange, or at least something similar to orange-flavored cake.
We will see food shortages and surpluses simultaneously. The shortages will begin at the nation’s donut shops. There will be mass, sugar-fueled uprisings as crazed mobs tear down donut-shop doors screaming, “I want a hot one! Where are all the hot ones?”
The candy isles in convenience stores will be ransacked as excited gangs of junk-food pillagers take to the streets vandalizing and looting chocolate and sweets. It will then spread to ice cream parlors which should run out of product within minutes. In a matter of hours, barbeque stands will be torn apart, and unprecedented scarcities of cream, cheese, and bacon will be the norm.
On a brighter note, there will be a surplus of granola across the land, which, if the president is smart, he can ship to Iran to make their mobs even angrier.
The National Guard will be forced to concentrate their efforts around the thousands of Weight Watchers clinics and dieting centers, where millions of angry fat people will storm the weight-loss offices and threaten to sit on their diet counselors until they receive instant cash-back refunds, while burning Richard Simmons in effigy A national culinary emergency will be on our hands, and a pig-out of gargantuan proportions will ensue. Instantly, restaurants which serve nothing but Chili-Cheese Fries and chocolate shakes will replace all of the salad bars and veggie-wrap sprout bars.
Our new Supreme Leader, hereafter referred to as Lord Kuriyama, said, “We had expected thin people would show the shortest life expectancy but didn’t expect the difference to be this large.”
If being fat means living longer, call me Methuselah. Ladies and gentlemen, let the eating begin.
Robert St. John is a Hattiesburg chef and restaurant owner.
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